I always think of 2015 as the year this little place I hold on the internet really peaked. But really I think it’s the year the blogging world exploded and super celebrity bloggers became a thing, and the year I kind of gave up on ‘this’.
Since then I have been chasing a feeling of ‘i’m doing okay at this’, a feeling like I belong in this exclusive club and a feeling of enjoyment I guess. I’ve flip-flopped between blogging, youtube and trying to just do instagram. I’ve beaten myself up countlessly for not being able to look a certain way, the blogger way, and I have just fallen out of love with the whole process of creating things online.
I keep trying to delete this blog, my youtube channel and other socials but for some reason I keep coming back to them. I keep missing having something, a thing that is just mine. I can’t keep up with all the luxury travel influencers, or do my makeup as amazingly as beautubers and feel a bit deflated.
I spent weeks trying to find my ‘why’ and in trying to find myself I have lost the thing that started this all in the beginning; just wanting something to do. I just wanted to talk about things I liked online and people started to read and watch and I was amazed.
Something hit me today, I’ve been driving around a lot contemplating my new instagram theme LOL I know, I amaze myself with my deep thinking. But I think I have realised what is missing and why I can’t leave this, but also can’t hack it anymore. I used to be a lot more chill about everything, I would think of a few blog posts on a lunch break at work, wake up Saturday morning and take a few snaps in my bedroom, I wouldn’t even edit them, I’d then write up a post and set it live.
Once everyone started becoming more instagram influencers, and less ‘in your bedroom bloggers’ I moved on to youtube. I’ve always thought there were things that I wanted to say, and couldn’t quite write out, so had always thought about doing youtube. But it was more than that. Youtube was something you could do alone, self shoot and edit and that was it.
So here I am, willing to finally listen to everyone saying ‘you do you hun’ and I hope you enjoy.